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You know the feeling we are talking about. Your friend calls to ask for your help moving on a Saturday when you were planning on doing nothing. Or your sister-in-law asks you to invest in her business, and you are afraid there is no way it will succeed. Even when the person asking for the favor isn\u2019t someone central to your life, it is still painful to say no. Most of us don\u2019t even like saying no to telemarketers. That\u2019s why there are so many jobs in sales. Often, we end up making bad decisions to avoid the short-term discomfort of turning people down.<\/p>\n
Look, we agree\u2014saying no is hard. The good news is that a little preparation and practice will make it easier. Even if you are one of those people that dreads it.<\/p>\n
We will look at different kinds of \u2018no\u2019s\u2019 that are appropriate in different situations. Sometimes, there is a clear answer, and you want the other person to accept your offer without complaint. Your kids, for example, should know there is no argument about bedtime. Your boss needs to accept that you can\u2019t work late anymore after coming back from maternity leave. The sooner they accept the reality, the happier everyone will be.<\/p>\n
Other times, you might be willing to be persuaded. You like the job offer, but the salary could be better. In that case, you might want to say no in a way that encourages them to try again or try harder.<\/p>\n
While being able to give a flat, unequivocable no is an important skill to develop, it\u2019s not the goal. Usually, we want to be more polite, even if we find another\u2019s proposal unattractive. Why? Because we never know when we will want to revisit that now-closed door. Preserving the relationship can allow a chance to revisit in the future, and we always like to maintain future opportunities if possible.<\/p>\n
The standard way to be respectful is to help someone learn why you aren\u2019t interested. Here\u2019s the problem with that: When you tell the reason you are turning them down, you give them information that they can use to make another appeal or proposal. Let\u2019s say you are a young unattached woman. A guy asks you to go to dinner at the local barbeque joint, but you aren\u2019t interested in him. If you tell him, \u201cNo thanks, I am a vegetarian,\u201d there\u2019s nothing stopping him from saying, \u201cOK, so why don\u2019t we go to Tofu Town?\u201d Now it\u2019s harder to say no, because you\u2019ve given an inaccurate reason for your refusal.<\/p>\n
So instead of giving your reasoning, let\u2019s discuss other ways that you can give a nice no. For those of you who have discomfort with no, this may be a balm for that, because it allows you to exit gracefully (but still unequivocally).<\/p>\n
Thank them for asking. And you can apologize that you don\u2019t have a different answer. \u201cThat is so kind of you. I appreciate your asking. I\u2019m sorry but I can\u2019t say yes.\u201d The strength of your answer doesn\u2019t require you to be rude. What makes it emphatic is that you give them a clear, inarguable response.<\/p>\n
Your reasons don\u2019t have to imply a negative judgment. Don\u2019t let your reason have anything to do with them. It is only about you and your preferences. If someone offers you a job and you aren\u2019t interested, you might say:<\/p>\n
And our favorite: I\u2019m so grateful, but it\u2019s not the right time for a move.\u201d<\/p>\n
None of these present a good opportunity for them to try again. When you consider possible responses to shut down further efforts to persuade you to say yes to a request, try to imagine a workaround. Use obstacles that can\u2019t be solved or resolved rather than something like, \u201cSorry, I\u2019m not interested in a lateral move,\u201d because they could suggest an elevated position.<\/p>\n
The more information you give the other person about a problem, the easier it is for them to think of a solution. If you are not looking for a solution, provide as little information as possible. Keep your response short and to the point. If they ask for more information, remember, you are under no obligation to share it.<\/p>\n
If they keep pressing you, push back more firmly. \u201cI\u2019m afraid you will have to accept my decision as final.\u201d<\/p>\n
Now, sometimes people do sincerely want feedback on why their offer wasn\u2019t good enough. Remember that you never have to, but if you want to provide that feedback, feel free to do so\u2014just be cautious about offering them an opening to try to draw you back into a negotiation. In addition, be kind when offering the feedback.<\/p>\n
A colleague of ours works with a speaker\u2019s bureau. She gives talks at big speaking events and conventions. She is extremely well paid and charges a standard fee. Occasionally, a potential client will try to bargain her fee down. She tells them, \u201cThe speaker\u2019s bureau I work with charges all my clients the same rate so I can treat everyone fairly. I know I may not be the right choice for everyone\u2019s budget. I can suggest some of my younger colleagues who do an excellent job and are more affordable.\u201d<\/p>\n
There are several reasons why this works. First, it\u2019s clear that you aren\u2019t engaging in a bargaining ploy. Someone who is genuinely interested in a speaking engagement doesn\u2019t suggest the competition. So, the customer knows she isn\u2019t bluffing. Second, while rejecting the offer, she is trying to fill the client\u2019s need. And it gives her the chance to potentially push some work to deserving younger colleagues.<\/p>\n
Excerpted from NEVER SETTLE. Copyright \u00a9 2026, John Richardson and Attia Qureshi. Reproduced by permission of Simon Acumen, an imprint of Simon & Schuster. All rights reserved. <\/p>\n