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<\/p>\n
When Anna, a 32-year-old IT professional, started her first job, it wasn\u2019t long before she found herself facing a bad case of job creep. \u201cThey said, \u2018Hey, can you do this other thing too for a little bit? It\u2019ll be like 10% of your time.\u2019 But that turned into basically doing a second full-time job,\u201d Anna told me.\u00a0<\/p>\n
So she scheduled a meeting with her manager to ask for a salary that accounted for the added responsibilities of her expanded role. \u201cI laid it out, \u2018Here\u2019s what I\u2019ve taken on, here\u2019s how I\u2019m spending my time, here\u2019s what my days look like. Can we renegotiate a salary to compensate me for the work I\u2019m doing?\u2019\u201d Anna said. Not only did her manager refuse her request, he not-so-subtly shamed her for asking. \u201c\u2018You\u2019re asking for more money? We\u2019re a startup,\u2019\u201d she remembers him saying. \u201cIt was kind of like, \u2018You\u2019re ungrateful. How dare you ask for more money, even though we\u2019re asking you to do two jobs?\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n
After that initial negotiation attempt, everything felt like a fight. Her boss would make promises of bonuses and higher pay if she took on more obligations and work beyond her job title, but though Anna did those things, the raises never arrived. \u201cIt makes you feel crazy,\u201d said Anna, “You\u2019re getting feedback like, \u2018This is how you get recognized and this is how you get rewarded.\u2019 I did all those things.\u201d Yet every time Anna tried to advocate for herself in the ways she\u2019d been taught, she found herself thwarted or dismissed. \u201cIt starts to make you feel like, \u2018Well, am I overasking? Do I really deserve to make this amount?\u2019 You\u2019re fighting to get paid. You feel like you\u2019re getting there and you\u2019re having the right conversations, but it\u2019s kind of like spinning your wheels,\u201d she said.
If any of this sounds familiar, know that it\u2019s not just you.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The very characteristics and behaviors that men, particularly cis, straight, white, able-bodied men, can reliably implement to get ahead, when enacted by women, even in the same situations, are often perceived as a liability, not an asset.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s independent. What a go-getter.<\/em><\/p>\n She\u2019s independent. How selfish.<\/em><\/p>\n He\u2019s ambitious. That\u2019s just what we need.<\/em><\/p>\n She\u2019s ambitious. Who does she think she is?<\/em><\/p>\n He\u2019s assertive. What a great leader.<\/em><\/p>\n She\u2019s assertive. What a bitch.<\/em><\/p>\n A reason not <\/em>to hire, work with, promote, or reward women can be the same reason to <\/em>hire, work with, promote, and reward men.<\/p>\n \u201cAiming high is perceived differently when enacted by empowered women than by empowered men,\u201d Jennifer Dannals and colleagues found in their paper \u201cThe Dynamics of Gender and Alternatives in Negotiation.\u201d In the study, they analyzed the results of over 2,500 negotiators to understand why women typically experienced worse negotiation outcomes. Were they less assertive? Negotiating less frequently? Doing so less effectively? The researchers found no evidence for any of these go-to explanations. Women were less likely to get what they asked for not because they weren\u2019t <\/em>being assertive but because they were.<\/p>\n Women\u2019s assertiveness challenges patriarchal gender stereotypes of how women \u201cshould\u201d behave\u2014warm, compassionate, and loyal. And maybe more to the point\u2014not <\/em>assertive, aggressive, or ambitious. Dannals\u2019s research suggested that it\u2019s this patriarchal gender role \u201ctransgression,\u201d rather than women\u2019s negotiation tactics in and of themselves, that triggers the penalties against them.<\/p>\n But if having access to equal opportunity, power, and pay depends on our willingness to ask for more, and women aren\u2019t supposed to ask for more, how are <\/em>we supposed to get ahead? How do you achieve your professional ambitions when you\u2019re more likely to be punished for having those ambitions in the first place?<\/p>\n This catch-22 is what researchers refer to as the double bind: We tell anyone who wants to get ahead that they need to be strong, bold, and assertive\u2014traits that (conveniently) align with patriarchal stereotypes of masculinity (particularly in individualistic cultures like those of the U.K., Australia, and the United States). But because these patriarchal gender stereotypes also dictate that women be nurturing, accommodating, and deferential to others (especially men), ambitious women often find themselves in a no-win situation: If they express stereotypically feminine qualities, their competence and leadership potential can be questioned. And if they express stereotypically masculine qualities, they can be labeled unlikable, \u201cnot a team player,\u201d or \u201cnot a good fit.\u201d<\/p>\n These biases are most commonly found in roles and industries stereotyped as masculine\u2014which just happen to be those that offer access to higher pay, greater autonomy, and more power. A 2020 paper studying women\u2019s successes in male-stereotyped domains like STEM and finance, for example, showed that women who were arbitrarily assigned to leadership roles in these fields faced fewer penalties when they succeeded than women who had actively pursued their leadership positions. So it was OK for women to successfully lead as long as they hadn\u2019t actively aimed for the opportunity to do so.<\/p>\n This is where we can directly see the ambition penalty in play. When women are perceived as pursuing <\/em>a professional or leadership goal, the pursuit is resented even more than the actual <\/em>achievement of that goal. It is this expression of ambition\u2014the \u201caudacity\u201d of women to raise their hand and put themselves forward\u2014that triggers the greatest blowback against them.<\/p>\n For those of us raised on advice like Nice Girls Don\u2019t Get the Corner Office <\/em>and Girl, Stop Apologizing<\/em>, the backlash that can follow <\/em>what seems like a straightforward request for more opportunity <\/em>or responsibility can come as a hard shock. \u201cI did feel like Damn,<\/em> should I have just left it alone? Should I have not pushed hard on the salary? <\/em>I was definitely blaming myself,\u201d remembered Carla, who, <\/em>after years of working to transition into a marketing role, had her <\/em>job offer rescinded when she tried to negotiate a bump in salary from <\/em>$40,000 to $45,000 a year. <\/p>\n Or Nadia, a publishing professional in <\/em>her thirties, who after four interviews and being assured that she <\/em>was everyone\u2019s top choice was told, \u201cIt seems like actually, this isn\u2019t a <\/em>good fit for you, and good luck finding something else,\u201d after asking <\/em>for a salary commensurate with her experience. \u201cYou feel stupid for <\/em>thinking that you could negotiate. You feel worthless\u2014like they <\/em>really don\u2019t value you at all. And that your work isn\u2019t really worth anything,\u201d said Nadia.<\/p>\n Yes, we were part of a generation that was warned (and warned again) that women just don\u2019t assert their ambitions enough. But the data show that these claims simply don\u2019t stand up to scrutiny. For example, in a 2018 paper titled \u201cDo Women Ask?\u201d\u00a0researchers discovered that women asked for raises just as often as men did. But women were still less likely to receive them. \u201cOur main finding\u2014women do ask\u2014holds in both large and small companies, and holds for women with and without advanced levels of education,\u201d wrote the authors, concluding, \u201cWhile women do now ask they \u2018don\u2019t get.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd yet we\u2019re still getting told, \u2018Just ask, just ask,\u2019\u201d said Caroline, a twenty-six-year-old tech worker whose job offer was withdrawn after she asked to negotiate the salary and benefits. \u201cI\u2019ve talked to three other women that said, \u201cYes, this happened to me. I tried to negotiate and the company either ghosted me or rescinded the offer.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n So while encouraging women to advocate for themselves and take ownership of their ambitions is not a bad thing in and of itself, the existing dialogue still too often positions it as a simple and straightforward solution to chronic and sometimes even violent inequality. And in the process, the double standards perpetuated by sexism, racism, and other biases that pervade our day-to-day realities remain casually overlooked.<\/p>\n For example, research has found that women are given more negative evaluations when they self-promote\u2014with women who self-promote during a job interview rated less likable and worthy than those who do not. And it turns out that it\u2019s this real increased potential for backlash, not a lack of confidence, that prevents women from self-promoting to the same extent in the future. Now if we consider all <\/em>the ways in which women\u2019s ambitions are penalized, we can start to understand how much of what we\u2019ve attributed to \u201cwomen holding themselves back\u201d is actually a response women have consciously or subconsciously adapted to avoid these penalties of their own ambitions.<\/p>\n In other words, it\u2019s not a fear of self-promoting or speaking up or asking or negotiating that\u2019s the problem; it\u2019s the consequences women still disproportionately face when they do. And recognizing that distinction can clarify where the responsibility for change really lies.<\/p>\n Excerpted from The Ambition Penalty: How Corporate Culture Tells Women to Step Up\u2014and Then Pushes Them Down. Copyright \u00a9 2026 by Stefanie O\u2019Connell. Available from Basic Venture, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.<\/em><\/p>\n \n