Confident Women Aren’t the Problem — Our Gender Biases Are

“You should watch your tone and how overconfident you are becoming,” my former boss warned me. This was our performance review conversation, where he started off by asking me how I thought the year went. I had been excited to share my accomplishments, including exceeding the metrics for all three of my goals.

“Is that what they taught you at that women’s conference you went to earlier this year? To show up as sharp and smug?” He said sarcastically. He then shook his head and chuckled, and got distracted by a ping on his laptop.

I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. My former boss had been the one to tell me I was quiet and not visible enough at work. He said I had to be more confident. And then when I followed his coaching, I was being punished for it. In fact, this time, my performance review feedback now included that I should “balance that high level of confidence with some humility.”

My experience of trying to bolster my confidence to gain career visibility is not unique. In fact, I have been in many talent reviews and succession planning meetings, where too often, we question a woman’s lack of confidence. She needs to speak up more. She needs to advocate for herself. She needs to own her accomplishments and tell leadership about the impact she’s making.

According to new data from Workleap, 78% of women say they’re actually pretty comfortable promoting their professional achievements. Some women don’t need more tips on how to be more confident — they already are. They need to be working in more environments where they aren’t being penalized for being confident. And they need to be growing in environments where the burden isn’t on them to constantly be self-advocating.

As leaders, let’s create a culture where we don’t focus on the confidence gap. Let’s focus on how we can create a culture of recognition where we all feel recognized and rewarded for our work.

1. Challenge your bias when it comes to confidence

The Workleap survey reveals that women do fear the backlash they may face if they advocate for themselves. In fact, 34% of women say they fear negative feedback as a reason they don’t self-promote. And 55% of women shared that today’s political climate makes it harder to advocate for themselves.

As a leader, challenge your bias when it comes to confidence. Do we give some individuals permission to be confident and encourage confidence? Do we punish others for being confident and label them arrogant, smug or overconfident? How do we view a man who is confident vs. a woman who is confident about their accomplishments in the workplace?

And when we see leaders labeling confident women as difficult, too much or aggressive, let’s help challenge those statements:

I don’t see Mita as being too much. I see her owning her accomplishments.

We said Mita was overconfident when she was just sharing her business results. Would we say Matt was also overconfident because he shared his business results with us?

You mentioned that Mita was smug. Can you help me understand the difference between smug and confident?

Remember to challenge your bias when it comes to who gets permission to be confident and help your teams and colleagues challenge their biases as well.

2. Share the spotlight with your team members

Some of the best leaders I ever worked for advocated for me without my ever having to ask. They were the first to sing my praises, share my work with others, and credit me for helping drive the business forward. Here are some examples of how leaders can advocate for their teams:

I’m meeting with the division president and will be bringing up your project and crediting you with the strong work you have done.

I would love for you to share the results of the product launch at the next company town hall.

I’m nominating you for an industry award. I’m sending you what I filled out in the form and please feel free to add anything I missed.

When working with your team members, also ask how they like to be recognized. Some will like to be under a bright spotlight, while others may prefer to be recognized for their contributions in more intimate, one-on-one settings.

3. Create a culture of recognition

Don’t wait for recognition to happen once a year during a performance review. Do create a culture of recognition that everyone can participate in. That way the burden isn’t on individuals to constantly advocate for themselves.

I remember one leader I worked for asked for peer nominations for every quarterly team meeting we had. We could nominate peers for awards like “Best Problem Solver,” “Meeting MVP” and “Above and Beyond for the Customer.” It was a fun and easy way to highlight the impact we saw each other making and recognize each other publicly. When I was running a large team for the first time, I asked everyone in our weekly team meeting to highlight something they were working on. No slides, no scripts. Just one minute or less what we were each working on and excited about.

As a leader, remember to build recognition moments into your everyday work. And these become team rituals that everyone participates in. Let’s remember that it’s not always about having a lack of confidence that stops people from advocating for themselves. Let’s create a culture where everyone’s work is valued and recognized, and they know their impact matters.

“You should watch your tone and how overconfident you are becoming,” my former boss warned me. This was our performance review conversation, where he started off by asking me how I thought the year went. I had been excited to share my accomplishments, including exceeding the metrics for all three of my goals.

“Is that what they taught you at that women’s conference you went to earlier this year? To show up as sharp and smug?” He said sarcastically. He then shook his head and chuckled, and got distracted by a ping on his laptop.

I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. My former boss had been the one to tell me I was quiet and not visible enough at work. He said I had to be more confident. And then when I followed his coaching, I was being punished for it. In fact, this time, my performance review feedback now included that I should “balance that high level of confidence with some humility.”