Managing people is about helping people tap into underutilized reserves and overlooked skills that are indigenous to them, not fixing their habits.
The people you manage naturally look to you for answers. They might even ask you to tell them what to do, which creates two major problems:
- If you tell them what to do, and even if you’re right, they won’t learn anything.
- If you give clear instructions regarding what to do and things still go wrong, they more than likely will blame you for the resulting mess.
This kind of dynamic quietly creates an unhealthy dependency where the employee begins to look to you not just for guidance, but for approval. Anyone who relies on you for everything doesn’t make you a better manager or manager; it limits both their development and yours. That’s why boundaries are not optional—they’re essential.
Managing with true empathy means supporting without enabling, guiding without taking over.
GENERAL DOS AND DON’TS FOR PRACTICING EMPATHY
What You Should Do
Start by looking inward to understand how you show up for every conversation.
Practicing self-awareness involves observing our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without judgment. This can be challenging, as we often become so caught up in the moment that we fail to notice our internal state. However, by regularly taking a step back and observing ourselves, we can begin to identify patterns and triggers that influence our behavior.
Once we become more aware of our emotions and beliefs, we can start to take steps to manage them in a more client-centered way. This may involve challenging our negative thoughts, practicing relaxation techniques, or seeking support from others. By developing greater self-awareness, we can become more mindful of our impact on others and create a more positive and productive environment for client success and personal growth.
Here are some tips for cultivating and practicing self-awareness:
- Pay attention to your physical sensations. What are you feeling in your body? Are you tense, relaxed, or somewhere in between?
- Identify your emotions. What emotions are you experiencing? Are you feeling happy, sad, angry, or something else?
- Observe your thoughts. What are you thinking about? Are your thoughts positive, negative, or neutral?
- Consider your motivations. Why are you doing what you’re doing? What are your goals and intentions? Reflect on your interactions with your clients and others. How are you interacting with others? Are you being respectful, kind, and supportive? If not, you have more work to do. With that said, let’s consider another “do” for accurate empathy.
- Listen actively & nonjudgmentally. Pay close attention to what they’re telling you with their words and nonverbal cues. Are you reflecting what they’re saying back to them with your own insights, gestures, and facial expressions? It’s ideal to take some time after fully listening to them to think about your response, so you can respond with empathy. Don’t make the mistake of trying to multitask. You’ll miss out on what they mean, even if you don’t miss out on the words they say.
- Build on what they’re saying, so you can move toward greater understanding and connection. Yes, as a manager, you’re supposed to help your clients based on what you know. However, what you know to be true for you or someone else might not be particularly helpful or true for another client.
- Revisit and reflect. Regular introspection and reflection are critical on your journey of growth and self-actualization. If you can acknowledge that there’s always room to improve, and you’re willing to do the work to figure out how, then your outcomes will mirror your efforts.
What You Shouldn’t Do
Don’t ignore or downplay your own biases. Be honest about where you’re coming from and unpack your own baggage before you try to listen and engage in conversation. What are your personal triggers? Are there certain factors at play, like your age, race, gender, culture, personality type, or background that might be potential barriers to understanding? Some limiting beliefs are more deeply rooted than others.
- Don’t overlook indicators of misplaced empathy. Empathy is about stepping into another person’s experience, seeing the world through their eyes, and connecting with their feelings. Sympathy, on the other hand, means recognizing their pain from the outside and offering compassion without fully entering into their emotional space.
- Don’t assume that you’ve mastered empathy and have no more work to do. Learning accurate empathy is a lifelong process. As we’ve established, every person and situation is different. You’ll also change a lot throughout your life. It might be easier to show empathy in one season of your life and more difficult in another.
If you adopt a learning mindset and get curious about yourself and others, you’ll constantly improve your ability to show accurate empathy. You can then apply these dos and don’ts to work and any other life situation.
Excerpted from Leading from the Heart by Dr. D. Ivan Young, published by Post Hill Press. Available April 28, 2026, wherever books are sold.
