Let’s say you and your team are struggling with an assignment for a client who’s notoriously difficult to work with. Even though your team is doing great work, the client lodges an unfair complaint against your star team member. At the end of the assignment, the team member asks for feedback, and you respond, “The client was satisfied with the end product.”
There it is. You told a white lie to protect your star player. The frustrated grumblings of this client, you decided, weren’t a fair evaluation of their work and wouldn’t help your team grow. In fact, the feedback may do the opposite, distracting your team from important work and leading your top talent to wonder if they’ve been doing something wrong all along.
Dealing with office gossip is another good example. What if one of your teammates has become the subject of water-cooler chat? You’ve overheard the gossip and know it’s nothing serious, just a distraction from work. The teammate comes into your office to ask what’s being said, and you respond, “I don’t know, and I’m not worried. Keep doing good work.” Afterward, you speak to the gossipers privately.
When is a White Lie Right?
In both of these situations, the white lie was an understandable move. As a leader, you need to keep your team motivated and maintain top-tier output. Figuring out what is and isn’t worth their attention is part of the job. Yet, more often than not, a white lie isn’t the answer, and if you become known for telling many white lies, especially in improper circumstances, you could even lose brand equity and the halo of an outstanding leader.
So, when is it okay to tell a white lie?
- When you’re shielding a team member from non-essential or dubious information that will only demoralize or distract them
- When the white lie or the withholding of information won’t damage relationships, mess up the work, or thwart professional and self-development (after all, some tough truths need to be heard)
There’s a caveat, though. In both of these scenarios, you must have a very deep understanding of the situation, yourself, your team, and your culture. Without this, you won’t know whether a white lie will minimize harm, simply “kick it down the road,” or create more of it. Remember, minimizing harm doesn’t mean minimizing your own discomfort or workload but minimizing adverse effects on your team and maximizing beneficial effects. That means self-knowledge and a deep understanding of your environment are key.
Of course, no one wants to tell a white lie. But if the situation calls for it, there are three principles you should keep in mind.
1. Say the Minimum
The goal isn’t to lie but to filter out unnecessary information that would leave everyone worse off. So, when telling a white lie, don’t fabricate situations and let stories spin out of control. Limit yourself to one statement. In the first example, “The client was satisfied with the end product” was true. All that was withheld was an unfair complaint about your top talent. This strikes a good balance.
I worked with a leader once who was a very extroverted thinker. The moment he had a thought, everyone knew about it right away. This caused some trouble. Because there wasn’t a filter, his message was often confusing and he sometimes made remarks before evaluating the impact they would have. This open-book personality type has many virtues but often benefits from pausing and thinking about a Tweet-form version of a white lie beforehand.
2. Weigh the Ramifications Quickly
Sometimes, you need to determine if a situation calls for a white lie very quickly. That can be difficult, especially when the stakes are high and you don’t have time to step aside and think through it. That’s when you need to use your gut. But make no mistake: a well-trained intuition can be powerful. I suggest practicing with a few key white-lie questions, so you’ll be ready when the time comes.
These include:
- Would the white lie be in everyone’s best interest or just in mine?
- Do I know enough about this situation to make this judgment call?
- If found out, would my team understand my rationale or feel betrayed?
3. Assess the Results
While you do need to trust your gut to make the best decisions you can with limited information, once the moment passes, it’s essential to look back and evaluate it. This debrief assessment will better prepare you for the next time (because there will be a next time) by helping you understand how your instincts played out in these situations.
Here are a few powerful debrief questions:
- What did I fail to consider in the moment that, now, I really wish I thought about?
- Did my gut feel right in the moment but seems misguided now that time has passed?
- Was I confident, measured, and concise, or was I performative and “overdoing it”?
While it might not feel great to share a white lie, there are times when it’s understandable to protect someone or move a job forward. A tinge of guilt or hesitance is probably a good sign. It means you aren’t making a habit of it or taking it lightly. Just be honest with yourself later about why you really did it and how you can better approach these situations next time.
